1600 Candles/Quotes

[Stan and Francine enter their bedroom, after discovering that Steve has reached puberty]

Stan: Puberty.

Francine: Our worst nightmare.

Stan: The only thing worse than a child going through puberty is being the parent of a child going through puberty. Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a while? [sadly] Nobody honked.

[Francine starts going toward bed]

Stan: Hey, what are you doing?

Francine: [pulls out a suitcase and starts packing things in it] I can't do it, man. I'm leaving. I'm going to... I don't know. My mom's, my sister's... Hell! I'll even go back to prison, I don't care.

Stan: Look, maybe it won't be so bad. We got through Hayley's puberty.

Francine: Barely.

[Flashback to Hayley in her puberty. She is holding a box of tampons in her left hand and a tampon in her right hand. Francine and Smith are cowering in front of her and Stan is holding a fork]

Hayley: What do you mean, every month?!

Francine: Honey, that's the glory of being a woman.

Hayley: [throws the tampon to Stan and Francine] I'm not using these! [throws the box] I'm never using these! [proceeds to sit down]

Francine & Stan: No! [she sits]

[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older]

Hayley: [referring to her breasts] This is as big as they're gonna get?!

[Stan and Francine are in the same pose as earlier, crying in fear. Stan is holding a stapler, shooting staples towards Hayley]

[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older. She has a huge pimple on her left cheek]

Hayley: I'm hideous!

[Stan and Francine are in the same pose again. Stan is holding a torch]

Francine: Honey, you can't even see it.

Stan: It's pretty.

Roger: [enters the room] Wow, Hayley, your cheek's pregnant. Who's the father? Touching your face all day with your greasy hands?

[Hayley grabs Roger and smashes him through the window. She then takes the torch from Stan and starts running around the room with it, screaming and setting the furniture on fire]

Francine: I'm not ready for Steve to make the change. He's gonna have man breath, and his poops won't smell good anymore.

Francine: Have you ever been beaten naked in a gym shower, Stan? One day, when I was showering after gym class, these mean pretty girls caught me and kept scrubbing me all over with soap. I mean, they didn't miss a spot! And even though we were all wet and naked and slippery, they were still able to get me on all fours, and shove my face to the floor! Can you imagine, Stan?

[Stan is sitting on the chair, with his face covered in sweat, hiding his crotch with the coat]

Stan: How'd they catch you again, please?

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