Apply lotion, repeat as necessary.
A Smith In The Hand
Stan takes sex ed into his own hands.
Season: 1 Episode: 9
Total Episode Count: 9
Prod. no.: 1AJN10
First Aired: September 18, 2005
Guest Starring: Mike Henry, Peter Mackenzie, Mike Barker, Scott Menville
Featuring: Stan, Steve
Also Appearing: Hayley, Klaus, Francine, Roger, Principal Lewis, Terry Bates, Greg Corbin, Timmy Johnson, Dr. Heisler, Keith, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Dick Cheney, Osama bin Laden, Fidel Castro, Kim Jong-il
Musical Numbers: Things You Must Not Touch
Director: Pam Cooke
Assistant Director: Joe Daniello
Writers: David Hemingson
Storyboarders: Bob Bowen, Zeke Johnson
Newspaper Headline: "Israel Pulls Out of Gaza, Gaza Not Pregnant"
Plot: When Steve brings home a permission slip to take sex ed at school, Stan flips out and demands to teach it himself. Stan proceeds to give an unrealistic explanation that demonizes sex and masturbation. Shortly after, he gets into an accident that damages his crotch and, due to a misunderstanding, masturbates for the first time while applying lotion to the injured area. Stan becomes secretly hooked on masturbation, but Steve, who was responsible for his dad's accident, interprets his father's sudden exclusiveness as anger and disappointment in him.
When Steve learns the truth about what his father is doing, Stan tries to get out of it by blaming television. Together, Stan and Steve are granted permission by the Senate to take over a TV network and use it to broadcast Stan's anti-sex class, until Francine finally has enough of it and tells them that sexual feelings and arousal is natural just good enough to put a stop to their enterprise. So Stan, knowing Francine is right, tells Steve the truth about sex... on live TV.
Meanwhile, Roger becomes a bartender in hopes of making something of himself.