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Steve: ... I talk a big game, but I actually know very little about sex.
Stan: You don't need to know. That's the beautiful mystery of sex.
Steve: Well, I guess not. But...
Stan: See, if I tell you about it, it won't be a mystery. It will just be a fact. An ugly, moist fact, squatting on your brain like an octopus. And, you don't want an octopus squatting on your brain, do you, son?
Steve: No.
Stan: And that's where babies come from.

Stan: Acid, lava, and your crotch; These are things you must not touch!

Steve: So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?
Stan: That's right, or angels will kill you. Good night!

Stan: [to his lighter] Soon my pet, soon I will feed you the world...

Francine: What's going on?
Stan: Steve fell off the ladder, he's dead inside, we're gonna go save American.

Announcer: Hi there, sinners. It's time for The Gentle Bearded Christians' Sing Along Hour.
Roger: Oh what fresh hell is this?

Steve: Dad! There you are.
Stan: Of course I'm here. Where else would I be? Alone? Touching myself?
Steve: Yeah, right. Only perverts and democrats do that.
Stan: [laughing] Well said, soldier.

[Hayley and Roger are fighting]
Stan: Hayley, what the hell's wrong with you? Finish him!
Francine: No, I just cleaned this carpet!
Cleancarpet

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