- [The title "The Turt Locker" displays over a freeze-frame of a turtle trying to defuse a bomb underwater]
- Roger: Really? I mean, what the fuck are we doing here?
- Stan: I need a human torso. Dick has community service, so you have to step in as our "A". [He lifts his shirt to reveal a green "R" painted on his torso]
- Steve: "R"? "A"? What's the team name, the Ragamuffins?
- Hayley: Oh yeah, I owe you a dime. Just grab it out of the change bowl.
- Roger: Is there a thousand dollars cash in that bowl? 'Cause that's what a dime is in gambler's lingo.
- Hayley: Who knows that?!
- Jeff: Everyone knows that, babe. I thought you were crazy to make that bet. I almost said something.
- Roger: [He comes into the kitchen with a card filled with burned items] In a school fire, you gotta know what you want because the clock is ticking.
- Sheriff: You'll need to get fitted for a dick pouch.
- Steve: No need. I'm exactly the size of a "C" battery.
- Steve: Finished.
- Magunga: If I could give you some criticism, it's a little small. Also, it took you three months.
- Roger: It had been days since Hayley watched MasterChef Junior with me. I told her I'd wait for her, but I didn't. I couldn't. Peyton made a souffle. Eight years old, making a souffle. Imagine that.
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