Category:Musical Numbers
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Musical Numbers in American Dad
- Opening Theme 1
Stan: Good morning USA, I've got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day,
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face, And he's shining a salute to the American race,
Oh boy it's swell to say, Good morning USA!
- Opening Theme 2
Stan: Good morning USA, I've got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day,
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face, And he's shining a salute to the American race,
Oh boy it's swell to say,
Roger: Good morning USA!
- Guns Make Holes in Your Body
Guns make holes in your body, Through which you can’t potty, Just your blood and guts spill out, Bambi’s mom could still munch grass, Tu-pac would be tapping ass, If you hate guns, Scream and shout!
- I Want a Gun For Christmas
I wasn't naughty all year long, I was mostly really nice
Didn't kick the dog much or give my brother lice
Don't bring me no red rubber ball, don't want no Gameboy at all,
I want a gun for Christmas!
Listen to me Santa, I ain't playin' round
Got Mrs. Claus right by my side, she is gagged and bound,
If you ever wanna see her again,
Better bring me a brand new Mag 10,
I want a gun for Christmas!
- Francine's Song in Saudi
Francine: You can’t go out unless you are escorted by a man, And when you do, you come home with a butt crack full of sand. No alcohol, no rum and cokes and no Dom Perignon, At least a girl can have a smoke.
Man: But not on Ramadan!
Francine: Oh, it’s a land of joy, if you are a boy, But if you are a girl, it’s the worst place in the world.
Stan: Okay Francine we get it.
Francine: Oh, but I’m just getting started. American girls we do pilates, starve ourselves until we’re hotties, Why? Because we like our bodies, check me out you uptight Saudis! Oh it’s so awfully grand.
Stan: Come on Francine stop singing.
Francine: If you are a man.
Stan: I’m only back up singing.
Francine: If you don’t take me home soon Stan, I think I’m gonna hurl. It’s the worst place in the world.
Stan: I started this point system and she’s way behind.
Francine: I only want to see the world, explore and socialize, But in this town I can’t so much as look at other guys, ‘Cause if I did, they’d call me harlot, whore, adulteress, I bet my last riyal you fellas won’t approve of this. Who wants a kiss? It’s great if you're from Mars, but not if you're from Venus, If you wanna drive a car, you better have a penis. So if you’ve got a vagina.
Man: Ooh!
Francine: A vulva.
Man: Eee!
Francine: A clitoris.
Man: What is a clitoris? *Stan shrugs shoulders*
Francine: And a labia... You see where I’m going with this. Stay the hell away from Saudi Arabia!
Man: WHORE! *Francine is thrown into a transportable jail cell*
Francine: STAN! *Stan looks on in silence, end scene.*
- I Don't Want A Partner (I want a wife)
Stan: I don't want a partner I want a wife, Someone who's happy taking care of my life. Where's my Edith Bunker, Laura Petry, Wilma Flintstone, Edith: I would never let Archie go to a party alone.
I want to go back, to a simpler time, When men were men and women had no say. Attend to love, honor and obey. I want to be greeted with a massage and a martini, The way master was by his Genie.
I don't buy this independence and doing your own thing, I want a woman, to make me feel like a king. This ship is sinking and I'm swimming for my life. I don't want a partner. Damn it! I want a wife.
- We're Red and We're Gay
Greg: It's impossible, you say, to be Republican and gay
But, baby, like Virginia Slims we've come a long, long way
It once was thought to be a fairy meant oting for Bill or Kerry
But not today! We're red and we're gay
Jeff and Paul like hot pectorals
And good old-fashioned Christian morals
Hey hey, hey, hey
We're red and we're gay
All: Our loafers are light
But we still vote for the right
It's true we can't wed,
but we support the Fed
We like each other's butts and big ol' spending cuts
Man: We like to pack fudge and heat
Greg: Big long guns with ivory handles
Go well with my scented candles
Yay, NRA
Let's take a spa day
All: Your skin looks so toned
Now spritz with fancy cologne
These pants make you slim
U.S. defense we won't trim
Have a pastry or two, we'll get a trainer for you
Greg: Have you met hot Andrew?
Andrew: Eva Longoria is a client and a close personal friend.
Greg: Oh, it's fun to do things our way
Don't take our word ask Ernie, Bert or Manet
All: We're red and we're gay, we're red and we're gay
We're red and we're gay.
We're red and we're gay.
We're red and we're gay...
We're red and we're gay!
- Three AM
Stan: This is the song that I wrote at three AM.
I taught myself how to play the guitar.
I only know three cords so far.
My fingers hurt because I haven't grown calluses.
I wonder how long it takes to grow calluses?
That seems like something you could learn on the Internet.
Tomorrow I'm going to teach myself how to use the Internet.
- West Virginia
Steve: Hello, everyone. We got a real treat for you tonight.
Paco and his family here used to sing this song back
back in Mexico while dreaming of coming to America.
Steve and the Ass-Tonos: Almost heaven
West Virginia
Blue Ridge mountains
Shenandoah River
Country roads,
take me home
To the place...
I belong
West Virginia
Mountain mama
Take me home
Country roads
Stan: My God, listen to them sing about America.
They aren't parasites, they're people.
Paco and his family feel lucky just to be in this country.
All we do is take it for granted,
and they're willing to work in my basement for soda...
soda that I watered down.
It's not about having kiss-my-ass money,
it's about being here in the greatest country in the world.That's the American dream, Francine.
Francine: Okay.
But can I just have one to help me with the laundry? There's just so much laundry, Stan.
Hayley: I'm a hypocrite, too, Dad.
I used Paco to get at you, then try to throw him away by calling INS.
Stan: You heartless bitch... I'm kidding.
We can't let INS take them. We need to cause a distraction so we can sneak them out.
Hayley: Are you sure?- You'd be giving up your dream
Stan: I'm sure.
Steve and the Ass-Tonos: Country roads, *Stan joins in*
Take me home
To the place...
I belong
West Virginia.
Mountain mama (Mamacita)
Take me home
Country roads.
Steve: We're Steve and the Ass-Tonos!
We're red and we're gay!
- When I Was His Alien
Roger: When I was his alien
And the world was young and gay
He thought I was as interesting
As teddy bears were cute
When I was his alien
Every day was Tanqueray
Every night Bacardi
And the twilight Absolut
Through the winter and the spring
We'd make a game of everything
Chowing down on dunkaroos
And watching Ricky Lake
But now he's older, breaking free
He'd rather play with boobs than me
I can't believe our special bond must break
Now I'm not his alien
What we had must finally end
I'm useless
As a car on bricks
Atop a redneck's lawn
Now I'm not his alien
Sadness is my only friend
But life...
Goes...
On.
- Ollie North's Song
Stan: In the '80s there was cold war drama
We fought the Commies inside Nicaragua
Our friends were the contras, freedom was their mantra
So we sent them lots of money for guns and land mines
But Congress stopped the contra money flow
Just 'cause they moved a teeny bit of blow
But then a hero came forth, his name was Oliver North
He and Reagan went around the sissy congress
Ollie North
Ollie North
You see, North secretly sold missiles to a harmless country called Iran...that would always be a grateful ally. Then he gave the profits to the contras.Genius!
But the sales were uncovered by the press
Reagan and North began to stress
Cause what they did was technically high treason
But it was totally justified.
North volunteered to take the blame
To save Reagan from prison-rape shame
The truth he did bury with his hot secretary
Thanks to her shredder, he got off totally scot-free
Ollie North
Ollie North
He's a soldier
And a hero
And a novelist
And now he's on Fox News
Roger: Crap. That's the end.
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