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Stan: Francine, remember the agreement we've made that we could do one person and it wouldn't count?
Francine: Yes, you picked Susan Sarandon.
Stan: I've changed my mind! I want my one free kill to be Chuck White. Yours can still be George Clooney.
Francine: Clooney, you smug bastard. Stop playing basketball and get married like the rest of us!

Klaus: Ugh! Your insides sicken me! I'll be in mein crapper. [sigh] I'm always in mein crapper.

Francine: Oh, I could make potato salad.
Stan: Potato salad? Hm, not exactly adventurous, but it gets the job done. That reminds me, we should have sex tonight.

Pregnant-virgin-boy
Steve: Uh, Mom? Dad? I think I'm pregnant. [He lifts up his shirt to show his pregnancy bump]
Hayley: You can't be pregnant! You're a virgin... and a boy!
Steve: Tell that to my swollen ankles and tender nipples!

Karl: Next, the black sheep.
Stan: Uh-- That was just a fraternity prank. I was blindfolded; the peer pressure was enormous!
Karl: I mean your daughter; she could sink this whole election. I mean, look at her, she's clearly gay.
Hayley: I'm not gay!
Karl: Hm, whatever you say, Butch.

Stan: You knocked up my boy?!
Roger: I warned you, I was going through my reproductive cycle! Oh, and FYI, honey, Steve came onto me.
Stan: [to Hayley] How could you do this to me? This is what happens when you turn around town giving it up for free!
Hayley: Why are you yelling at me?
Stan: Because I always figured you'd be in this situation, so that's what I prepared for!

Steve: I touched her hand, her hand touched her boob, by the transitive property, I got some boob. Algebra's awesome!

Doyle: Hey, Mr. Fishburne!
Francine: [imitates black rapper] Yo, what up, G? Two fingers. [to Stan, normal] Oh, last time I was here, he mistook me for Laurence Fishburne and I just never corrected him.
Stan: What a mess. If anyone finds out my son is pregnant, I'll lose my deaconship and Chuck White wins again.
Francine: Stan, forget Chuck White! Your son is confused and scared and, he needs you. [Doyle puts one whiskey glass to Francine] I said two fingers, bitch! [slaps glass to floor] Now go be a father to your son, my strong black brother.

Hayley: Steve, are you sure you wanna have this child?
Steve: Yeah..I guess so. Roger, what do ya say? You ready, partner?
Roger: Oh yeah, fatherhood, jazzed. [slurred] It's not like I wanted to do with anything in life, like learn to surf or go to Jerusalem.
Steve: Are you... Are you drunk?
Roger: Get used to it!

Stan: I wanted to thank you all for electing me deacon. Unfortunately something unexpected has come up and, I have to abdicate my position. [the church murmurs]
Man: But why?
Stan: It's an bizarre situation. Not 8 Simple Rules, let's-keep-it-going-after-the-father-died bizarre, but close.

Stan: So, what if Chuck White is deacon now? So what if he has a bigger paycheck and a bigger car and a nicer house?

Stan: Son, you're keeping your alien baby.
Steve: Thanks, dad.
Mexican Doctor: Did you say "alien baby"?
Stan: No, I said "Doctor's corpse found in desert".
Mexican Doctor: Oh, right, right.

Previous Episode's Quotes /// Deacon Stan, Jesus Man's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes

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