Klaus: Take a load off Garffy. I'm Klaus, I'm a bit of a favorite around here.
Steve: I don't need a Deep Throat.
Roger: I bought the jacket, we're doing this.
Hayley: [Explaining a television at the Treasury] That's a movie. That's where tweens go to get fingered.
President Garfield: I saw a Polynesian!
Roger: I was supposed to be on that bus, but there was a lady with a chicken on there. What is this, like, Guatemala? What the hell? Leave your bird at home lady.
Principal Lewis: Cum laude, cum REAL laude.
Snot: [Serving detention while Lewis takes a bath] Can I go home now?
Francine: Stan said something like [Imitating Stan] "I'm gonna turn him back into proteins."
Francine: Yeah, and then he said [Imitating Stan] "Are you even listening to me, Francine? I'm worried about us. I feel like we've been drifting apart." [giggles] I'm getting better at his voice, right?
Steve: Did you paint a shadow on your face?
Roger: I was dressed up in blackface earlier. You're not the only one with stuff going on. Looks like you finally figured out the story.
Steve: No, I didn't! I have no idea what's happening!
Roger: You WERE the story, Steve. You used all your pent-up sexual frustration to turn out the most elegant pornography this school has ever seen, but when you finally saw a little skin, it was too much for you, and you experienced what medical experts refer to as an ejacufaint. That's when 100% of your blood is in your wiener. You're lucky to be alive, Steve, and that's the real headline.