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Roger: Ow! Ow! Ew! Eeww! Look at this! Eight years of dead bugs; you disgust me. Now hold the ladder, I want to come down.

Stan: Oh, my God!
Roger: Oh, my God!
Stan: My son's a slut!
Roger: I just made that bed!

Jock #1: Dude, did you just hear what Vince Chung said?
Jock #2: Yeah, he's so cool and popular, you forget he's Asian.

Francine: How humiliating. Hayley made me look like a total idiot.
Stan: Honey, you're not a total idiot. I mean, you got the point of the film, right?

Francine: Her film made me look like a boring housewife who's only good at cleaning.
Roger: Oh, that is an outrage!
Francine: Thank you, Roger.
Roger: You're a terrible cleaner. Look at this place, it's filthy! [stains Francine's apron] Yeah, that's a big dirty S for "Schmutz".

Francine: Oh, I see today you're making tea. Well, today, I became a surgeon. My diploma?
Hayley: This is printed on the back of a Chinese take-out menu. You've clearly been scammed, Mom.
Francine: Doctor! I didn't go to school for 12 hours to be called "Mom"!

Steve: Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect all right! [open bathrobe] I have boobs!
Stan: Oh, my God!
Klaus: I know. Talk about a butterface.

Steve: What am I supposed to do now?
Stan: Strap 'em down with these Ace bandages; it's what Hilary Swank used to hide her breasts in Boys Don't Cry. You know, that movie where she got what she deserved? [Steve gasps] An Oscar! And brutally sodomized...
Steve: Dad!
Stan: ...in a review by Derek Simms of the Detroit Free Press. Steve, is this time for showbiz trivia? You've got breasts!

Francine: [when her pager beeps] Oh, it's work. Tell your father I'll be gone all night. Man, these hours are brutal. No wonder those doctors on Scrubs don't have time to be funny. [leaves]
Klaus: I like Scrubs.

Roger: COASTEERRRRRS! AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!

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