I Can't Stan You
Stan finds himself a legend in his own mind.
Season: 3 Episode: 17
Total Episode Count: 40
Prod. no.: 2AJN15
First Aired: May 6, 2007
Featuring: Stan Smith, Johnny Collins
Also Appearing: Francine, Roger, Steve, Hayley, Klaus, Avery Bullock, Jackson, Duper, Eric, Saunders, Bob Memari, Linda Memari, Greg Corbin, Terry Bates, Heath Ledger, Bob Tuttle, Karen Foster, Christie White, Mr. Hallworthy, Lisa Collins, Jared, Bjorn, The Hannigans, Clown with Glasses, Margaret Thatcher Robot
Director: Pam Cooke
: Jansen YeeWriters
: Michael Shipley
, Jim Bernstein Storyboarders
: Josue Cervantes
, Mike Mayfield
, John O'Day
, Jamie Oliff
, Jessie Romero
, Paul Scarlata Newspaper Headline
: "New Mexican President creates Taco Supreme Court" Plot
At CIA headquarters, the director announces they are opening the offices for a totally unrestricted inspection. Therefore, he orders the agents to take home and hide all illegal items in CIA possession. The director brings out a life-size Margaret Thatcher robot but, unfortunately, Stan is not chosen to take it home. The next item is God’s autograph which the director will only give to Protestants. Again, Stan is rebuffed. The director then pulls out a machine that turns water into cocaine which he decides to hold on to before he leaves and tells the agents to pick through the rest of the items. Stan and the other agents fight over some of the items.
At home, Roger is on the phone with a soup company about how he and his children found a finger in a packet of their soup. He tries to blackmail them into buying him an ionic air purifier. When they ask to see the finger, he hangs up. Stan comes home to Francine and shows her the illegal items he got from work. He shows her some hi-tech surveillance equipment that enables him to hear a moth fart. Francine tells him they need to get to the neighbors' BBQ and Stan says that the neighbors love him. He says it will be a treat for them to see him.
Roger is pacing around the house trying to figure out who he can scam next when he sees Steve mowing lawns across the street to make money. Steve is talking to his elderly client, Mr. Hallworthy, when Roger, disguised as a human boy, screams in pain. Steve runs over to him to find him on the ground claiming that he tripped over Mr. Hallworthy’s driveway and is trying to get $1000 in compensation for his fake injury. Steve urges him not to do it but Roger convinces him to do it by telling him that they can get a new Playstation with the money. Mr. Hallworthy asks Steve if Roger is on the up and up. Steve tells him that he can’t lie and, the next thing you know, Steve and Roger are in Steve’s bedroom playing their new Playstation. Steve exclaims, “Lying is awesome!”
At the neighbors' BBQ, Stan is regaling the guests with his tales of deporting illegal immigrants when their neighbor Lisa arrives and introduces her new lover Jared. Lisa’s kids describe how their mom met Jared at Black Angus while they waited in the car. Stan tries to play with the kids by drawing his gun and aiming it at them. They are completely terrorized. Lisa tells the kids they need to leave so she and Jared can fornicate on their father’s furniture. Stan draws the gun on the kids one more time.
Stan and Francine get home with Stan saying how great the BBQ was. He hears Mr. Hallworthy and realizes his CIA surveillance is picking up his conversation. Mr. Hallworthy is saying that Stan was annoying at the BBQ because he kept telling his stories. Stan wonders how he could say such things because everyone loves him. He points the microphone around the neighborhood and realizes the entire neighborhood hates him. Francine tells him that they should hold a party to show everyone that he is a good person.
Roger and Steve go to a fast food place to scam them. Roger tells Steve to just do what he says and orders a coffee which he throws on Steve. Roger asks for money and, while they pay him, he makes Steve trip and asks for more money. They go around town to various businesses with Roger injuring Steve to get money from the businesses.
Back at the Smith house, Francine and Stan have their party set up and are awaiting their guests. Their guests show up and Stan does his best to listen to his guests and cater to them. As they leave, Stan thinks things went well but, as he points the microphone around the neighborhood, the neighbors still hate him. Stan vows to be loved. He drives around the neighborhood announcing his innermost secrets, failings and vulnerabilities to the neighbors. They are not pleased. Next, he takes a plane and announces to the neighbors that the key to friendship is generosity so he says he’s going to paint their houses and dumps lead-based paint on their homes from the plane. Then, he goes to Lisa’s son’s birthday party and gives him a gift that blows up and throws the kid into the pool. Stan says he will save him but is beaten to the punch by Lisa before Stan can finish his ruse. Lisa tells him to leave.
At CIA headquarters, Stan is on the phone with a real-estate agent saying that he wants to sell his house because his neighbors hate him. His fellow agents come with the Margaret Thatcher doll and say they are going to the secret CIA beach house. They say that the CIA can now seize any house they want, so Stan decides to seize all the neighbors’ houses and evict them.
Looking over the now empty neighborhood, Francine, Klaus and Hayley criticize Stan’s actions. Stan gets upset and threatens them.
Upstairs, Roger is planning their next con when Steve says that they should try a big scam that can net them $50,000 a piece. Roger poses as a real-estate agent and goes around selling the neighborhood homes. He is showing a couple the house but they get cold feet. Steve comes in and pretends to be another serious buyer and Roger does a hard sell on the couple.
Back at the house, Stan hears the family criticizing him so he kicks them out of the house. When he is alone, he tells a joke but there is no one there to laugh so he moves the couch cushions up and down like mouths laughing.
Steve meets Roger at a carousel to give him a briefcase with his share of the money. Roger flies to Mexico and tries to buy a Mexican restaurant franchise but, when he opens his briefcase, there is only a letter from Steve saying that he has scammed Roger out of his share of the money.
Stan is eating nuts when he chokes on one and runs outside looking for someone to help him but there is no one to be found. He collapses in the street but Lisa’s son Johnny comes running and kicks him in the crotch dislodging the nut. Stan thanks him for saving his life but is confused because he thought Johnny hated him. Johnny says that just because he trash-talked him doesn’t mean he hates him. Johnny takes him to the Cornfield Motel where the neighbors are staying and shows him that they all trash-talk each other, too. Stan feels better and becomes pals with Johnny. As they walk off, Stan draws his gun on Johnny scaring him.