Roger: Who, Kevin? Yeah, course I saw him. We picked him up at the rest stop an hour ago.
Kevin: Dropped my Rolo's.
Roger: Horse Renoir, bounty hunter. Some say the hell spawn of a prostitute and a whore. Others say...
Stan: Shut up!
Henry: I've got arthritis, I can't even tie my damn boots.
Roger: Oh, my mom had that real bad. The whore, not the prostitute.
Roger: I have to pee now. Whenever I get tied up, I have to pee. I'll try to hold it in but..I'm going now...I'm sorry...I'm sorry... I'm sorry.
Roger: Why do my wrists hurt?!
Stan: Because you're lying on them.
Roger: How did you know what I was thinking?!
Stan: Why can't Jeff live with his family?!
Hayley: He hasn't spoken to his dad in years, and his mom ran away before he was born.
Stan: How... how could she do that?
Jeff: Were you and your dad close?
[In Stan's thoughts]
Young Stan: Daddy, will you read to me?
Jack Smith: Who the hell are you?
Stan: We can't choose our fathers, but we can choose our father figures. I chose my mother. That set me back a bit.
Jeff: Wow, I can't believe you're taking me to a baseball game.
Stan: I know. I can't believe you believe that, either.
Roger: [on the phone] Hello?
Klaus: Roger, it's me. Jeff and Stan are at Jeff's father's house in North Carolina.
Klaus: Yes. Now, in return for this information, you must give me...[Roger hangs up] Nothing. If you had just waited for me to finish, you'd know I want nothing from you!
Roger: If I can't make friends with Jeff face-to-face, I'll have to do it the way fat people do: over the Internet.
Stan: Look, honey, I'll make you a deal, you don't marry Jeff, and I won't bake you a roofie cake and tie your fallopians in a square knot.
Stan: Try jogging, you gross bowling pin!
Stan: Hi, Jeff. [grabs Jeff and slams him against the wall] Expecting someone a little less "take you to jaily"?
Jeff: Wait! You gotta believe me! I don't know how that pot got in my van!
[Stan bashes his head against the wall]
Stan: You had a loose nail there. And I don't believe you.
Roger: Hi, my name's Stan Smith. I seem to have lost my credit card, can you tell me the last place I used it? No, I don't know my social security number. No, I don't know my date of birth. My mother's maiden name? Uh, something Italian. I look Italian. Try "Frappuccino".
Stan: Why is there a leopard on the Cheetos bag? Wait. It's a cheetah. Chee-tah. Chee-tos. There's so much beauty in the world.