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Roger: [to Klaus] I'm going to eat you one day.

Roger: Crap, I must have grabbed the helium tank.

Roger: This is just the place Langley Falls needs.
Klaus: If they need it so much, why is no one here?
Roger: I'm gonna eat you one day.

Roger: You worthless piece of shit.
Hayley: Excuse me?!
Roger: Excuse you?! For eating the rest of my potato bread? I made that myself and you know I didn't!

Roger: I just want to be as close to you as possible... Like John and Yoko... You're Yoko.

Stan: Here's my next car, Francine: the new Hummie C.O.K. Guzzler. It runs on carbon, oxygen and potassium.
Francine: Oh, yeah. The chemical symbol for potassium is K. Boy, my chemistry's a little rusty, but wouldn't it run cleaner if they added another carbon molecule before the potassium? Then it would guzzle C.O.C.K.
Stan: I don't know what you're talking about.

Roger: You think I have a crush on Hayley?
[Long pause]
Steve: NOW I do!
Roger: No way! She's a piece of crap, Steve, I swear!
Steve: Yeah, she is kind of a piece of crap.
Roger: [slaps Steve] Don't you talk about her that way!
Steve: Trapped ya!
Roger: [gasps] Oh, boy.

Steve-washboard-abs-love-ad-style
Steve: You just need a distraction, like...like a hobby. Maybe turn to exercise. Focus on building core strength. [He lifts up his shirt to reveal washboard abs]
Roger: Those look angry.

Klaus: I'll fire her for you! I'll do it like an American businessman. [in an American accent] I'm sorry, ma'am. The economy has taken a turn, and we've been forced to downsize. I'm gonna need your key card.
Roger: Don't do characters. I do characters. Don't do characters.

Roger: What if I can't do it? What if I freak out?
Steve: You'll be fine. I promise.
Roger: Okay, Steve. I'm gonna trust you. And I'm serious about the underwear. I want an exact replacement. Underoos, extra large, skid mark to hell.

Roger: [after shooting Hayley] Steve, I freaked out!

[Hayley is being wheeled into the Emergency Room on a stretcher]
Doctor: Urgent medical jargon, stat!
Steve: ROGER, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!
Roger: I don't know! I was overwhelmed with emotion!
Hayley: [weakly] So you shot me?!

Roger: I could totally see her bra through the gunshot hole.

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