Roger: [to Klaus] I'm going to eat you one day.

Roger: Crap, I must have grabbed the helium tank.

Roger: This is just the place Langley Falls needs.
Klaus: If they need it so much, why is no one here?
Roger: I'm gonna eat you one day.

Roger: You worthless piece of shit.
Hayley: Excuse me?!
Roger: Excuse you?! For eating the rest of my potato bread? I made that myself and you know I didn't!

Roger: I just want to be as close to you as possible... Like John and Yoko... You're Yoko.

Stan: Here's my next car, Francine: the new Hummie C.O.K. Guzzler. It runs on carbon, oxygen and potassium.
Francine: Oh, yeah. The chemical symbol for potassium is K. Boy, my chemistry's a little rusty, but wouldn't it run cleaner if they added another carbon molecule before the potassium? Then it would guzzle C.O.C.K.
Stan: I don't know what you're talking about.

Roger: You think I have a crush on Hayley?
[Long pause]
Steve: NOW I do!
Roger: No way! She's a piece of crap, Steve, I swear!
Steve: Yeah, she is kind of a piece of crap.
Roger: [slaps Steve] Don't you talk about her that way!
Steve: Trapped ya!
Roger: [gasps] Oh, boy.

Steve: You just need a distraction, a hobby. Maybe turn to exercise. Focus on building core strength. [He lifts up his shirt to reveal washboard abs]
Roger: Those look angry.

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