Stan: I'm upstairs trying to do our taxes, and Steve's abusing the hose.
Francine: Oh. That's embarrassing. Did you walk in on him?
Stan: What?
Francine: You caught him playing with himself?
Stan: Dammit, woman! You always jump to that! Last time, it was when I said he's doing his homework.
Francine: I thought you said "bonework".

Stan: When I turned 14, I took fiduciary responsibility for my mother's 401K. We discussed it over Italian food. I had my first espresso, it kept me up all night. I fell asleep at dawn for five minutes and had a stress dream about the house burning down. Pretty good birthday.

Steve: What's wrong with Dad?
Francine: He's just tired, honey.
Roger: Yeah, being crazy is very tiring.

Stan: [to himself] You can do this. Just keep your head down, and pretend that your sphincter has teeth.

Stan: Put down those papers. Look out back.
Steve: What is it?
Stan: It's a "Slip 'N Slide", son. And I want you to play on it... for as long as you want. [He picks Steve up and tosses him on the slide]
Steve: No! No! No... Ohhh.... yeah!

Previous Episode's Quotes /// Man in the Moonbounce's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes