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[After seeing a news report about a teen that killed his father]
Francine: Bet that poor boy's father didn't spend any time with him...I hope they fry 'em.

[Stan fears for his life when he considers the possibility that Steve may kill him]
Stan: That's it, we're hanging out. If you're going to kill anyone in this family, it's going to be only Francine.
Steve: What?!
Francine: Don't talk back to your father.

[Trying to shoot a basketball]
Steve: My peers don't call me "swishy" for nothing.

[Steve and Stan share a hug while laughing about their day]
Francine: [Under her breath] Do you have to hug after every stupid thing you say?

[Roger smashes a plate and orders Francine to leave it]
Francine: [Not quite under her breath] Bald-ass alien piece of shit.

[Klaus interjects himself into a conversation]
Francine: [Not quite under her breath] Now here goes the fish...

[Hayley plays mind games with Roger before their contest, suggesting he drop out]
Roger: News flash bong brain, I never pull out. Boom-shaka-lacka.

[Realizing the fix he's gotten himself into in the contest]
Roger: Oh, shhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.

Pedophile: So uh, which boy is yours?
Stan: The hot one, duh.

[At the bowling championship]
Greg The excitement is palpable here. The stands absolutely packed with what I like to call "gutter people."
Memphis Stormfront: Ha-ha-ha, delightful bowing pun there, Greg.
Greg: Bowling pun?

[Stan absently confesses to Francine that he stabbed Steve]
Stan: You don't tell Steve about this, and I won't tell Klaus you're the one that broke his Dilbert mug.
Francine: [Quickly agreeing] Ok deal, deal.

Steve: [Frustrated by the lack of interest by the police] You sound like the cops. They've given up on the case already too. To them, I'm just one more white kid who got stabbed in a bowling alley.

[As Steve starts to piece together the clues]
Stan: Since when is Steve smart? He's a jock.

[Explaining his escape from the contest]
Roger: Molt & bolt, baby.

Steve: [searching for clues in his own stabbing] This dumpster is filled with weapons and blood-soaked hoodies. How am I supposed to find the ones that belong to my stabber?

Steve: This Taz-loving sicko must of really been obsessed with me.

Stan: Can you ever forgive me, and also not tell the police?
Steve: [sighs] Yes, but you didn't have to stab me.
Stan: I didn't?
Steve: What? Of course you didn't! There could never be a reason to...never mind. What I mean is, I was gonna gutter ball that last roll.
Stan: What? Why? You had a chance to go pro, to be the best! I thought that was what you wanted.
Steve: I never cared about that! I wanted things to go back to how they were, when it was just you and me having fun.
Stan: That's what I wanted!
Steve: It was? Is that why you were acting so weird?
Stan: Weird? How?
Steve: STABBING ME comes to mind!
Stan: You're just never gonna let me live that down, are you?

Stan: It's possible that some of this could have been avoided. You know where the breakdown was?
Steve: In your mental state?
Next-of-pin-stan-hospital

Detective: Whose kid is this? Who would let their kid see this?!

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