- Stan: Ladies and gentlemen, the United States may be the greatest nation in the world, but do you know what the second greatest nation is?
- Man in Crowd: El Salvador!
- Stan: No, not Mexico.
- Stan: Well, that's our show, folks. If you're interested in learning more about torture, follow an immigrant into your police station.
- Roger: Stan, tell them the truth or they're gonna think I'm a liar.
- Steve: That spaceship sailed a long time ago.
- Roger: I let Jerry Lewis live. I think we all agree that was a mistake.
- Stan: So, a lot of people think that C.I.A. stands for "Central Intelligence Agency". Not true, folks. Fact is, C.I.A. actually stands for "Stan Smith was born with both male and female genetalia".
- Steve: That's not what we wrote! We don't go blue. That's the lazy man's comedy.
- Snot: Balls!
- Steve: [chuckles] Maybe we're working too hard.
- Stan: What the hell was that genitals joke?
- Steve: That's not what we wrote! You were supposed to say, "C.I.A. stands for Central Insanity Agency."
- Stan: [chuckling] That's good, that's good. But that's not what was on the teleprompter!
- Steve: Well, someone must have messed with it! I'm gonna go double-check the copy for the "Taliban, Taliban, Tally Me Banana" sketch.
- Roger: You know what show I tried to save? The Ghost Whisperer.
- Francine: It's still on.
- Roger: Really?
- Hayley: [after seeing footage of a porno film mixed into the CIA blooper reel] What the hell was that?
- Francine: Honey, that's what you have to do after a man takes you to a fancy dinner.
- Bullock: The Democrats have completely cut our torture budget. They're using the money to teach inner city kids...to read.
- Stan: Lying is wrong! I'd know that if only I'd paid attention to anything that's ever happened to me before.
- Stan: We need the money to fund official unofficial CIA torture.
- Roger: "The bomb is disarmed!" [Crowd cheers] That's what I'm gonna say when I disarm the bomb!
- Stan: Roger!
- Roger: [Disarms bomb] The arm is disbombed! Damn it.
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