- Stan: I've got our retirement all planned out. 401(k)s, Roth IRAs, even personalized canoes.
- Francine: Why do we need canoes?
- Stan: To send our dead bodies down the river. We're having Viking funerals. I'm sure we've discussed this. Canoes? Oil-soaked rags? Klaus?
- Klaus: I'm gonna burn you all!
- Steve: You're not a real teacher! This is just your Time-Warner Cable guy repurposed after he committed suicide.
- Roger: Wrong! Mr. Deliver also has a mole somewhere on his body. Don't you dare try to find it!
- Francine: Remember what we have to do the first night in a new home.
- Stan: I wish, but I wanna make this as realistic as possible. And when I get old enough to live here, I won't even be able to get hard enough to pee.
- Jeff: You do that, Mr. S?
- Stan: Damn right I do. Use it or lose it!
- Roger: [after saying 9 of 10 of the students will end up dead or in prison, comes to Whitey] Guess you make it.
- Ricky: Looks like you're wrong, teach, 'cause I'm gonna kill him!
- Roger: And that's why you go to prison.
- Steve: You're still not teaching them anything!
- Roger: I taught them how to count down from 4.
- Students: Whoa.
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