- Stan: We've all done weird stuff when Francine was out of town.
- Stan: If I had died in that crash today, who would have remembered me?
- Francine: I would.
- Stan: That's right, nobody!
- Stan: Look at that cheap weave, Bitch got no class!
- Stan: Epiphany isn’t just a name a black person gives their child.
- Francine: Stan, can you please talk to your daughter. Look at her!
- Stan: My God! Get that slut shrapnel out of your face this instant!
- Hayley: It's just a nose ring.
- Stan: It's a gateway piercing. Next thing you know, you'll have a bone for your lip like one of those rain forest people that Sting is always whining about.
- Francine: Listen to your father. Sting's become a bit of a douche.
- Francine: Stan, I thought you gave up looking for Ollie's gold years ago.
- Stan: Because the kids came along, and I didn't have time anymore!
- Hayley: My God! Is that why my middle name is Dreamsmasher?
- Stan: It sure is, Hayley.
- Francine: Hayley Dreamsmasher Smith, did you put that nose ring back in?
- Bernice: Steve may read at a 10th grade level, but he kisses at a 12th grade level.
- Stan: Didn't I support you when you wanted to open that small business?
- Francine: No. You didn't.
- Stan: Then stop bringing it up.
- Francine: The living room is a hole with a donkey in it!
- Stan: Au! Get it? Au. That's the chemical symbol for gold.
- Stan: Goooooooool...d.
- Stan: [As dirt falls on him] Is that dirt or donkey?
- Roger: Damn uterus, refreshing itself every month like it owns the joint.
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