- Stan: [after Barry hits the windshield] I see one tear, Fatty, and I'm doing it again.
- Stan: You're cowboys now, but when we're done, you'll be cow-men. So if any of you boys want to cry or wet yourselves, this is your last chance. [Barry pees his pants] Good! Okay. This guy gets it.
- Snot: This is crazy, Steve. Your dad is gonna kill us all.
- Steve: Your dad shot your mom in the face with a flare gun! [pauses] I'm sorry, Snot. I don't mean to keep going there.
- Snot: I think it's possible there just might be something wrong with your dad.
- Steve: Oh, yeah? There's something wrong with your dad, too. Your dad left you!
- Snot: Uh, I'm not comparing dads. I'm just saying yours is in his underwear swatting at invisible owls.
- Hayley: You have a crush on the liquor store girl?
- Roger: Oh, heavens, yes! That's why I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend so she'll get jealous and want me for herself.
- Hayley: Roger, I'm not sure that'll...
- Roger: Hayley, you gotta help, you just gotta!
- Hayley: Okay, I'll go down there with you.
- Roger: God bless you. You're an angel. Now go dress like a woman. I have heels if you need to borrow.
- Stan: Men don't do what they like. Men get wives and jobs to keep them from what they like.
- Hayley: Get off me, you cow!
- Francine: I'll spit in your lazy eye!
- Hayley: I had that corrected!
- Francine: I can still tell!
- Stan: I, sir, will not stay at a Red Roof Inn!
- Francine: oh, really? Cause all I see is tissue boobs!
- Roger: Fakies
- Hayley: Well, you know what I see? Crow's feet!
- Roger: Age-deifying make-up.
- Hayley: Hag!
- Francine: Tramp!
- Roger: Ladies, please. No violence.
- Barry: [looking at his horse] Mr. Smith, my unicorn is broken!
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