- Roger: You came to the right guy, Steve. I love a good quest for revenge.
- Steve: I'm not out for revenge, Roger. I am a proud lifelong good boy.
- Steve: But singing was my talent. What else can I do?
- Roger: One word... ventriloquy. Ventriloquism? Puppet-talkin'. One word.
- Roger: I was kicked off Match Game for saying the word "queef" on air. But that's neither here nor there.
- Steve: Wow, you move just like a dummy!
- [Roger slaps Steve]
- Roger: Now, Steve. Why do you think I slapped you? It's because you used a certain word. Do you know what that word is?
- Steve: Is it...
- [Roger slaps Steve again]
- Roger: That's right. Never, ever call me a dummy.
- Stan: All great businesses pivot. Burger King was a topless maid service for decades.
- Steve: Please tell me you didn't have anything to do with A.J.'s accident.
- Roger: Let's just say that as far as us winning the talent show goes, the bar was just lowered.
- Steve: That, uh... that's not the most convincing denial.
- [Steve finds articles about Dennis being arrested for murder in Roger's scrapbook]
- Steve: Wow. I really should have looked further into this book before I started this whole thing.
- Dennis: Teaming up with Dudley was my first mistake. My second was having my other puppet, Mr. Doodles, represent me in my murder trial.
- Steve: [thinking] This can't be real!
- Roger: Oh, it's real all right. I can't hear your thoughts. I'm just assuming you're all like, "This can't be real! No!"
- [Steve attempts to signal a student in the audience by blinking in Morse code]
- Student: I'm in love with you too, Steve! I've always loved you!
- Steve: [thinking] Oh yeah. I don't know Morse code.
- Steve: Smells worst than Principal Lewis' index finger.
- Roger: Easy there, toots, or I won't be the only wood in Steve's lap.
- Roger: Hey ladies, ever see a woodpecker? Want to see mine?
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