Stan: I'm pissed at sex. Francine might be pregnant!
Steve and Klaus: What?!
Stan: I can't handle another child chipping away at the heroic Smith family name.
Stan: The new baby could be the son I never had.
Steve: Alive over here.
Stan: He could be brave and have my back! I'll name him something strong. "Steve."
Steve: Already named "Steve" over here.
Stan: We'll change your name. You can... you can call yourself "Eve." Like the douche.
Steve: The night belongs to me, for I am... Greater Chimdale County Man!
Roger: No! That name's terrible!
Roger: Filming your bravery is just the excuse I've been looking for to buy a video camera. I broke my last one making a short film about butts. 7,000 hours of footage down the drain.
Francine: I JUST GOT THE BIGGEST BLOODIEST PERIOD OF ALL TIME!!
Roger: Excuse me, what's the difference between Digital Zoom and Optical Zoom.
Big Buy Employee: They are the same thing.
Roger: But the box says they're different.
[The employee looks at the box]
Big Buy Employee: Oh yeah, it does. I guess they're different. Let me know if you need any further assistance.
Roger: Thank you. [to Steve] I thanked him, why did I thank him?
Steve: I demand You cease Your criminal mischief! [The Vandals laugh]
Vandal: Look how round this kid's head is! Its geometrical perfection is unnerving. Let's beat Him up!
Steve: Roger, Th...The plan's not working!
[Roger fires a gun at the sky]
Roger: Run if You want to run...I...I mean, Live!
Francine: I know what you're thinking. What is the boob test gonna tell him that the butthole test didn't? He's just being super careful.
[Steve is crying after he finds out that Roger stole the credit for scaring off the vandals]
Roger: Now, now, we've had enough of this. [He shakes Steve vigorously, stopping him from crying] That's a little trick I learned to quiet newborns when I worked in the maternity ward. [chuckles] Quite a few people are still looking for this little lady. I'll tell you that much.
Steve: Dad thinks I'm a coward.
Francine: Mommy is very stressed.
Steve: And then, I was about to change his mind, but you know what Roger did?
Francine: Put a sock in it, Steve. Stop worrying about what your father thinks of you. For God's sake, you're almost 15 years old! If you lived in Fresno, you'd be a father by now.
Steve: Mom really showed me something when she was on the toilet.